Another bit of, what I know so far….

I have wrestled with doubt and fear most of my adult life. As I see my oldest child struggle with worry, I feel sad for him. It has taken me eight long years to release life and circumstances to God on a daily basis, and my prayer for that boy of mine is that he would trust in Christ at a young age and fully release any concern he has to Him.
With the recent news of our new addition, you can imagine I would start to worry a bit. It’s a minute by minute battle in my mind. My back was hurting earlier today and it took me right back to the day I miscarried our second baby. When I don’t feel sick, I wonder what could be wrong. Instead, what I ought to be thinking is, “ Hooray! I am feeling great today!” As I mentioned, this one was quite a surprise. One might think I shouldn’t care either way. I mean after all, I already have three kids and why get greedy? I was asking myself, and more importantly God that question the other day. Why me? Why did you chose me to have another baby? I have several friends who can not have children of their own, or have been trying to have a second or even third child only to have God say no, or not right now. We weren’t even asking for this. Why would He allow us this blessing and not someone else? We feel grateful and unworthy.

Funny how when circumstances are bad, we say “why me” as well. When we lose a loved one, or a job, or have a simple let down like a car problem, we say, ‘why me?” My mom once answered that with, “Why not?” That has stuck with me all these years. You see, we question God in His goodness based on a human perspective. We think He should act in accordance with what we deem to be the right thing. After all, if we were God we would….. heaven help us all right? We see tragedy on the news and wonder why is that happening to those poor people? Yet right after, we hop into our lushy plushy car and head to Starbucks because after all, we’ve had a hard day. Forgive my ranting on the subject. Living in North Dallas can make one get a little koo-koo when it comes to seeing unnecessary excess. When we ask ‘why me?’ in a bad circumstance, I wonder how often we ask ‘why me?’ in a good one. Why were we born in this country? That blessing alone begs the question. Why do we have free education available to us? I had a hard time this year with all the fund raisers at my son’s school. Criminy! We pay a lot in school tax and then they want more to build an outdoor something or other. Heaven forbid my child should do without some luxury. He may just have to use his imagination. Poor thing! It’s not that I mind giving money; I might be sounding a bit miserly now. Not at all. I mind giving money to an already over-saturated school system. I mind not getting that money to someplace down about 30 minutes from here to schools that are just trying to survive; to schools who need after school activities because the parents work and kids might go home alone if they don’t stay at the school. I mind giving more to folks who already have tons.

Does God mind giving to those who have tons? Apparently not. He delights in it. We might ask, why does He lavish us when we already have so much? I usually come up with one answer – so that we can in turn give to those who don’t. Now, I am not saying I am going to give away my baby to a family who can’t have one. I am saying we should look in all our abundance and see what we could give. You heard me, give. Not sell to the highest bidder, but give, with an open hand.

I don’t know why God chose to give my husband and I another sweet angel. We don’t deserve it. I do know it has caused me to be even more grateful for the things I do have, for the things He has lavished on me, and to be grateful for the things He has allowed to pass me by.