So here I am at a cross roads. Wake up tomorrow, accept the day that I schedule before me and go on only to collapse in a heap at 9 pm, or work out another option. There are always plan B’s, even when it doesn’t look like it. As I started writing  tonight I never imagined this is what I’d be writing about. I guess it fits though with goal setting. Most of us can’t finish anything because we have too many ‘things’ on our plates. We live in a cyclone society and there is tremendous pressure to be doing something all the time. All the stuff is really good, but not all of it is helpful. The Bible says, ” All things are permissable, but not all things are beneficial”.

So tonight as I make my tea and head to bed I wonder what’s going to give tomorrow. My prayer for myself and my family is that I wouldn’t sacrifice them or my personal goals. I pray that tomorrow  I would take my children and stop for a while and smell the roses. Who knows, they may enjoy some Hip Hop Abs and a walk in the park. Call it P.E.?

Everything I ate was deck of card size, save for the huge portion of salad at dinner, check!

Excercise for 40 minutes, check!

Longing for more Weir,TX bbq, check!

As a general rule I am what you might call a bit of a flake. My husband would say I just lack stick- to- itiveness. Whatever you would call it, I rarely follow through with anything these days. In my early 20’s  I was driven, but for some reason add one husband, four kids, a dog and two cats,  I can’t reach any goals.

Recently  I came across an article that talked about portion control. Being a fanatic about healthy eating, my ears perked up and I read on. “A person of average build and activity should only eat portions the size of a deck of cards”. The article was talking about meats. It went on to say that if you are eating starches the portions should only be the size of a tennis ball. Excuse me? Oh wait, there is good news… you may have half of your plate be fruits and/or veggies. Or more for that matter! Well shout  hooray with me everyone! I pondered this and relayed the info to hubby  thinking maybe he’d be interested in this new thinking. Wrong. His exact words were, ” Is that article from the American Starvation Society?” So no then?

The idea pestered me for a few days. What hung up in my mind is that I thought ‘this is why our nation is fat.’ This is why I live in the fattest state in the country. Portion control. I looked at my own plate that evening, yep there’s a problem. Which got me thinking something else. If hubby won’t join me, I’ll go ahead and try this Deck of Cards business and see if I’m equally satisfied, and perhaps a scant bit thinner. After all, who couldn’t lose a pound or two.

Oh wait, I don’t follow through with anything. I will start it, but then when a weak moment hits and I make an exceptional dinner and maybe feel like I need an extra helping, the cards will spill over and I’ll be done with my goal. Come to think of it, I really want to exercise more each day. Oh crap, another goal. I was just talking to someone about that and spouted off the ” you just need to find the time” business. My personal excuse is I have four kids, plus I homeschool now, when will I ever find time?!  Then there is having my quiet time with God each morning before my little treasures wake up. See that last one is super important because where I may eventually get some “God” time in the day, my emotional well being, then in turn the kids emotional well being is much better if that is #1 in the morning.

This morning as  I was getting ready I thought  ‘that’s it!’ I need to do some goal setting and stick to it. How long I’m thinking… hhmmm, how long? A month? Maybe 6? No no no. That is way too lofty and too committed. A week. That’s it. One week, 7 days. Of course I will need to blog about my experience. I love writing after all, and oh let’s not forget, writing is in the list of goals. Many of you know, some don’t, but I have 1/5 of a book written. Crap, that is depressing, considering the book is about the happenings from last school year. I better get that sucker written before I forget what happened. I could just make it up as I go. Who would know? I never said it would be true. I do like reading fiction, perhaps I would be better at fiction writing anyway. I digress.

So here it is, 7 days to eat portion sizes no bigger than a deck of cards, hence the ‘Deck of Cards Challenge’. Exercise each day and of course spend time with the One who wants to spend time with me the most. Wish me luck and I will let you all know how I fair. I may be thinner, grouchy and starving. Or maybe, just maybe, I will be a new student of discipline.

“Welcome to the House of Unreasonable, how can I help you?” That’s how I plan on answering my phone for the next 5 years. That’s what most days around here are, terribly unreasonable. Let me clarify. I have an almost 3 year old who is unreasonable. It hit me today that as I try to have a fun day with him or do interesting things he just doesn’t allow that to happen. For instance, I was folding laundry and he wanted to help. ‘Great!’ I think until he starts ‘helping’. I gave him a smallish white towel, and as you may have guessed that wasn’t the one he had in mind. He wanted the huge gray towel. It’s twice his size. He couldn’t even attempt to fold a corner of it. ‘Why not let him try?’ you might be asking yourself. Well here’s how it would go down. “Canon here’s the towel you begged for.” “Momma!!! It’s tooooo biiiiigggg!” Cue whining. “Moooooommmmyyy, I need help!!” Ok, so I try to help. “No I can do it by myself!!”. “Canon you seem to need help.” “Can I do it by myself next time?!” And so that last question will haunt me for the next 3 hours. Really, no lie. Every time he would think of it he’d ask it. Another unreasonable event might be in relation to food. He’s a great eater, just painfully slow. He waits awhile to finish lunch, sometimes not finishing it really. When I go to throw the leftovers out after having asked if he was indeed finished, he screams and pleads with me to have more of whatever it was he was ‘finished’ with. If I concede and give him more, he will stare at it for 20 minutes only to eventually be dragged to bed, extra lunch not touched.

See these are the crazy makers of the day. I am not complaining to be sure, just musing really; thinking out loud about my day and realizing that this is why I haven’t had time to write in the past year. Or why my roots are gray and haggard. Or why I am two years behind on scrapbooks. Realizing all of this I know I have two choices. To go on in my crazy state of mind, constantly frustrated that the things I deem important don’t get done. Or simply enjoy my little unreasonable soul that I am so blessed to live with, kiss him regularly and tell him, “ I know sweetness, you have a very unreasonable mommy.” Today I will choose option B. The best part is, as I kiss him he smiles back and says “ Mommy…. CAN you lay with me NEXT time?” Cue sobs of disbelief that I have left before the appointed time.

The truth is I love this time of year the most when my whole family is with me, even in a crowded store. I love seeing their little faces get excited when they see the very tragically over done decorating. I love hearing them sing along to the Christmas songs they hear in the store. Mostly I love just enjoying the hustle and bustle of the season with them by my side. Christmas for me is way more fun when toting everyone along. When they are with me I can share with them the reason we are preparing for Christmas, versus just shopping to buy things. I am always inclined toward the experiences and the reasons behind doing what I do. Initially, I was begging for a babysitter so I could shop without them, as you can imagine they are much too old for me to be sneaky. As it was we almost bought some unintended items that were in the cart as camouflage for another gift. So here we are, December 1^st, starting another holiday rush. I hope along with me, you take your family on all your adventures. You might surprise yourself and never do it any other way!

We hope and pray to find the Wii set up, or the motorized scooter, or the ever popular, sell your soul for… IPOD nano.  My circle of friends by the way is mostly parents of the 8 and under crowd.  So we press on to the holiday spirit and the giving of it all. Certainly not the getting!   No, no.  I have heard it said, even from my own lips,  “Christmas is so fun with kids!”  The wonder of it all.  As I went on one of my pilgramages of shopping, you know, for just the few things we were getting, those words were swirling around my head like the proverbial suger plums.  It occured to me that Christmas was about Christ. I know funny thing to have just occur to someone, but really.  We always get our kids the three gifts of the wise men. Practical, spiritual and extravegant.  Simple enough.  Still there is stress. Will they like what we have chosen?  Will the extravegant be grand enough? Will the spiritual convey Christ fully?  Will they roll their little eyes at the practical?  So we search each year for the perfect thing, as I was doing upon my revelation.  I was in Wal-Mart in a HUGE line at 8:30 at night, just picking up a few last minute things.  I saw faces of the customers frustrated by the lines and the lack of merchandise so close to Christmas.  It’s all about Christ, and yet here I am trying to get those last few things.  Why?  I should be home reading the story of Christ to my children.  Truth be told, some nights I go shopping alone with my Starbucks so I can like my children even more.  But on this night, I thought ‘this is silly.’  I wanted to get on the loud speaker and say” Attention shoppers!!! Your kids won’t care if you get them any of that stuff!! Go home! Spend time with them! Get a fun family game and play it!”  As you can imagine, I didn’t do that.  It’s not that I think Wal-Mart is all that great, I just hate the thought of being banned from any store.  Maybe I could just whisper it to the person next to me.  No, too weird.  The weird part being that I would be chatting with a stranger, something I am often accused of doing and this night seemed all too inappropriate.  So I stood in line, silently, thinking about all the “perfect” gifts I had already purchased.  Oh dear! I had forgotten the spiritual gifts!  Of all the things.  I had been so busy trying to think of the other things and baking and mailing and all that, that I completely missed it.  By 9:00pm I was at the Christian bookstore, searching for just the right gift of a spiritual nature.  Something that shows my kids, ” see guys this is what Christmas is all about”.  What am I, Linus?  Linus has it all over me this year I’m afraid.  By 9:45pm I had found it.  A sweet Bible for my girl, a fun devotional for the big boy and a cute little first bible for the baby. Perfect. Still, the thoughts kept coming back, sticking with the true meaning.  After awhile I had brushed those thoughts aside and had a more lofty thought.  Tomorrow I would be diligent and read the Bible more to the kids, and we’d have hot cocoa and listen to Christmas songs together. We’d play games, and draw.  Just let me get my things done I need to for Christmas.  After all, it was coming pretty fast this year.  It was on the 25th you know.  Is it the same day every year?

As I left the store, I realized I needed to find a bathroom.  I am 7 months pregnant and so, well, nature calls way more than I have time for.  Alas, I head to Target, because it’s close and oh, I forgot to pick up those few school lunch items.  Off we go!  I headed into the bathroom and was immediatley grateful I am past all the nausea of the first trimester. The bathroom would make a sailor sick.  Almost every toilet had a keeper.  Ask any foreman and they’ll tell you what a keeper is, but I’d rather let you imagine at this point.  I finally find one, only to find it has pee spots on the seat. Seriously, I don’t live in the crack neighborhood where someone might be too strung out to realize they have just sprinkled a little blessing on the seat. So I moved on. Finally, I really did find a stall. I went in, did my business, which was growing more urgent by the minute. I looked over for the toilet paper… none. Perfect. What do you do in these situations? I was in a panic. It had been a stressful day after all. I remembered that our family had just been plagued by a nasty cold and so as all good moms should I had a pack of tissues in my purse. A silent prayer that they’d still be and eureka! They are! Saved. As I left the bathroom, hands washed, especially after that scene, I thought again. See, this is why I should be home. At least to be snuggling my husband and chatting. I believe that digusting bathroom was for me. Really. Placed there by God Himself to show me what my life over the past few weeks had been like. My kids have plenty of goodies. My husband and I have an abundance of goodies. I didn’t need to be out shopping. I should have considered myself done shopping. Going into a rat hole of a restroom in North Dallas was just the remedy I needed. I could have been home in my own warm house where I knew the TP was in abundance. I should know, I’m the one who replaces it!
As it turned out, I did start doing a few more Christmasy things with everyone. We did have hot cocoa, and read more, and listen to music, and watched a few of the old movies. But still, I felt as though I had missed it.
A few days later Christmas came with all it’s excitement. Our sweet children, the ones who I was concerned needed the perfect gifts, spent a half hour looking at their new Bibles. They were so thrilled with that they didn’t really think of the other things piled under the tree. When we mentioned they should start opening their other gifts, they opened one at a time, took the time to play with each new item and were so grateful for every one. Three gifts per child is alot in a family of three kiddos. I watched them and realized, somehow they got it. All my time spent away from them buying the perfect thing, they got it. Not because of my purchases, but because God knew my heart. Somehow He shined through my blunders of trying to make it all just so. To me that was the best gift of all. Knowing that God will meet my kids, right where I have made a mess of things.

My daughter Eden was invited to a birthday party there recently, for her BEST friend. We couldn’t even try to skip it. Eden would never hear of it, and if I had said we couldn’t go for some lame reason, she’d surely never forgive me, and more than likely be telling her shrink in twenty years about the time her mother didn’t let her go to her best friend’s party all because the food was less than desirable. So of course we accepted the invite. For two weeks I fretted over whether to take all of us there or let my husband take the two older ones. After all, he jumped at the chance to go, he knows I’ll never go with him, or even be able to reconcile that in our marriage if he went just for lunch on his own some day. Yes, I have problems. The day came. At 3 o’clock, my fast food lovin’ husband says, “Well, you going?” I decide it wasn’t worth it to make our baby Canon stay home. After all, he’d never enjoyed the goodness of artery clogging fries and chicken part nuggets. Why not!

The whole way over my heart is racing, and I am praying that they don’t keel over right there in the restaurant due to heart failure. It really bothered me.

I do have valid reasons by the way for my freakish behavior. I have a friend who is a nutrition expert and she does an experiment with a hamburger from this establishment. It is three years old and looks as though she bought it that day. Shouldn’t food go bad? Not even the bread is moldy. It’s much more effective if you can see it, but try to imagine. I believe food should at some point break down.

As we were there, not only did I allow my precious treasures, who God has entrusted to me by the way, to eat this C-R-A-P, but I actually ordered something; the least offensive thing on the menu, a grilled chicken something. I am still telling myself it was really chicken. It’s not as though we are in another country where the eating of domestic animals is common; hard to tell though sometimes. I ate my food, and you know something? I survived. No really! I actually didn’t drop dead then and there. None of my fellow hippie, granola friends died of shame. My husband said, “We could come here once a year!” Yea don’t count on it mister. The worst part was, my baby Canon, who has boycotted chicken of any kind in the past couple of months, devoured the nuggets. GROSS!!!! He’ll eat that slop, but not Weir, TX BBQ?!?! That boy has something to learn about culinary taste.

We left the ‘restaurant’, unscathed, and full. The sun was shining, the birds were still singing, and you know, I believe my husband had a little spring in his step. Maybe once a year wouldn’t be bad. Maybe I could lighten up on the choices for fast food. And maybe, just maybe, hell will freeze over tonight.

I left my conversation with my friend feeling foolish, feeling like I let her down. After all, I have been in this game for six years and surely I could have come up with something better than, “ I just love them.” This has plagued me for awhile now, consuming more of my thoughts than I care to admit. Why did we want more children? Why two or three or even more crazy four!! There has to be a reason. Here’s some that I have heard. “Oh, it’s the way they look when they are sleeping at night. Like little angels.” Lame. Not only a bad reason, it’s a little self-centered to want more kiddos because they give you a warm fuzzy. Another I have come across is, “ When your child says,’ I love you momma’, your heart just melts!” Also lame, and also self-centered. We can’t just bring human beings into the world for self-centered reasons. I was struggling with the fact I had no idea why we had more children. I knew I enjoyed it, but there had to be a reason. I tend to over think things by the way.

Finally it hit me today as I was reading my Bible. In Psalm 127, God says that children are a reward from Him. He also says that we will be happy, or blessed with children. Really? Even though parenting is difficult, even though it’s not all that rewarding at times, God still says children are a reward? Okay, I’m listening. He says blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. Let’s give a shout out to the families who have sixteen kids! They must be really blessed! The conclusion I came to was, God says they are a blessing. As I thought back on my six whole years of parenting, I realized, He is right. Go figure, the Creator of the universe knows what is right. Raising my tribe has been challenging at times. In fact, when I think of it, it is often challenging. They have their own agenda, which doesn’t fit with mine very often. I am also reminded that in that way, I am very much like my children. God often has something for me, and yet I tend to say, “No, my way God!” Could it be that having children is a reflection of our relationship to Him? I am fully convinced it is. In His grace and mercy though, He showers me with blessings through my child rearing days, even when I have failed Him and the kids miserably. This also happens all too often.

So why have more? Well, I suppose it’s because God says they are a gift from Him. That may sound self-centered also, but when the Creator of the world offers you a gift, would you turn it down because you might get too much out of it? You’d be a fool. Perhaps in another bit of writing I will ramble on and on about the blessings God has given me through my children. There are so many it would take me a lifetime. Answering prayers that otherwise would seem simple or unimportant; carrying me through one of the most difficult loses ever. Or just giving me the strength to honor Him another day by what I say and do to my children. This is why I have continued my journey of adding to the Weir, TX population.

Well, the boys went on to a new game and I had lunches to make. As I sat with the baby while he ate his lunch, I was feeling like a lump. I was just sitting there. Canon has no use for me while he’s eating. He’s a do-it-yourself kind of kid. I am there to make sure he doesn’t choke. I didn’t want to read because I am funny about having books around food. Grease, crumbs, and who knows what might jump onto the pages. I thought, Scrabble! I love Scrabble! My mother in law plays by herself all the time on the computer. As I was setting up the game it occurred to me the she plays against the computer, not really by herself. At least there is a challenge in that. Oh well, I still played. I was feeling pretty good about my words. After all, you can come up with some good ones if you’re the only one making the words. A while later the kids meandered down and asked what on earth I was doing. As I started to feel silly, I thought, no, I am showing them that I too know how to play by myself and by the way it’s fun! Once they saw that it was fun, they asked if they could play. I have to admit, I was reluctant to let them. I was having fun. Of course we could play together. Silly me! Well, after lunch everyone lost interest and thought it was more fun to throw fake food over the banister. Actually, I’d have to agree with them. A fake food fight is a hoot. In any case, lesson learned here… same one I learned in Kindergarten, if they don’t want to play with you, move on and find someone who does. It may just be you, and that’s okay.